Flash Floods...there was no warning. The Joe Show- Boston Edition.

The day before Joe’s Boston show, Jessica took our asses on the road.  We stayed with our friends Chantelle and Dave in New Hampshire (love you guys!) and had a blast.  They are so entertaining that it took my mind on how nervous I was for these shows.  Why I was nervous?  I really have no idea.  However, now we both know if it is a Joe event we are driving to I am not allowed to drive.  I was not in a suitable state by any means to operate a motor vehicle.  Forget about if the man himself started to tweet.  Jessica just held on for dear life.  We hit no traffic on the way up North, so we arrived fairly early and had more than enough time to chat, eat and look for Donnie’s ass in the “peek-a-boo” video.  We finally went to bed and I passed out into a dead sleep.


I woke up with a jump.  The time has finally arrived.  Yes, my Joe Shows were here.  World, watch out.  I was nervous about these shows, I could barely handle Joe on stage with the 4 guys, how in the hell was I go to survive him SOLO? Ahhhh shit, I knew I was in trouble, he was in trouble and good luck if you were standing next to me.   I knew Jess was scared and she really wasn’t joking.  She made sure she was ready before me and ready to go.  She did not want me killing her.  Finally, I was ready and we were off.  On our way there, my friend Jen was texting me with updates about what she was  seeing on twitter…people were already lined up.  My heart sank.  Ugh oh.  Even more nervous I tried to focus on driving and I got so bad Jess had to turn the EP off for fear of me having a heart attack.  Whyyyyyyy was I getting so worked up? I really don’t have an answer, but Jess will tell you I just like to give myself stroke arm.  


Finally we hit Boston.  Sigh of relief? NOPE! I just needed out of the car.  There was a bit of construction that backed us up a bit and I really felt bad for Jess. I was losing my marbles, well the ones I had left.  We drove past the venue to look for a spot.  There were about 15 people out front.  Not terrible by any means, but wait.  There was also a big…white…TOUR BUS.  Goooooooood Lord.  I speed around the corner and park on the street.  We gather enough quarters (me with shaking hands) and get ready.  Then I realize I don’t need all my keys, just my car keys.  I begin the mission of taking the keys off the ring, but because my hands were shaking it was difficult.  Jess let out a sigh of relief that we made it there alive and I stop, look at her and very seriously say, “JESS-ICAAAA!!!! DON‘T.BREATHE!!!!”  I told this girl to stop breathing, WHAT in the world is the matter with me?!  I went looney.  She truly is a great friend to put up with me when I am like that.  I know she wanted to punch me in the face more than once.  I get the key off the damn chain and we head around the corner.

If you have read my other blogs, especially the one about the Borgata, you know there is a creepy old man who loves Joe.  Well guess who was at the front of the line? This creepy mother fucker!  Jess and I cracked the hell up!  We made it to the back of the line…about 20 people back.  JACK.POT!  My nerves started to ease, but with a big white tour bus staring at you it is kind of hard.  Then we saw Rob and Ethan and I died a little.  I love them.  I was SOOOO happy to see Ethan back, he cracks me the hell up!  Rob eventually came over to us and Jess gave him to brownie/cookie combo she makes (they are NOT call Blondies Rob!) and he flips the hell out.  He turns to Ethan and shows him and the two fatasses rejoice.  Rob said he needed to go put those back on the bus and he’d be right back.  When he came back he saw my little goodie bag I had for Joe, well more for Rhys than Joe.  Rob was all up in the bag, so I just said “excuuuuse me!” He laughed and asked what it was, so I told him a present for the baby.  He asks “what baby? Ohhhh Joe’s baby.  What is it?”  I explain it was a hand knitted scarf that matches the ones I made for him and Griffin the previous year.  He said that was real sweet and that he had to go, but warned us that was the only entrance in and out of the club.  Well thank you Loose Lips Lewis!  There was an off chance I would see Joe?  For reaaaal?  Well…yep.

Jess and I were standing there chatting when I saw a figure standing in the doorway with arms spread wide.  My eyes focused and I heard that distinct “HEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!”  Well fuck.my.life.  It is Joe McIntyre standing about a foot from me, arms spread eagle.  People begin rushing and taking pictures and he chatted away.  The creepy dude came over and said something along the lines of “Joe, it must be nice to be surrounded by all these beautiful girls” and Joe just says, “BUUUUUDDAAAYY!!!” and gives him a half man hug.  Jess and I was ROLLIN’!!! It was hilarious! I decided I didn’t want to rush him.  Partly, because I know he will eventually get to everyone, but mostly because I wanted to see if he would notice me.  He didn’t disappoint.  Mid hug with someone else, this fool spoted me, I waved and he let out a “HEEEY!!!” again.  Shit.  Right to me?  Really Joe?  Why you gotta scream at my vajayjay like that?  He took more pictures, chatted some more and then he was just standing around.  He turns and I’m next.  He gives me a real big hug (even though I have my massive winter coat on that I haaate!) and whispered, “how are ya doin’?” all soft in my ear.  I let out a “great, how are you?”  He responded with a “great!”  Ok down to business.  I showed him the gifts, a hand knitted scarf and a little bib that says “My 1st St. Patty’s Day” in the shape of a Shamrock.  He loved it.  He called me adorable and we took our picture.  I reminded him the Waffle House jacket is coming Saturday and he needed to be ready.  He said something along the lines of he couldn’t wait.  Ok, I managed to hold a conversation and I was surprisingly calm.

Working on the baby scarf! It was a work in progress!

He loves his MacPack!

Other people took pictures, he signed things then again he was left with nothing to do.  I decided I wanted to be greedy.  I tapped him on the shoulder and said just that, “Do you think I can be greedy and get another picture?”  He said, “absolutely!”  Now, since he stole my damn “Flash Flood” lingo (that I will never let him live down…and neither will my friends) I made a sign that said “The O.G. of Flash Floods” and I wanted a picture of him with it.  He laughed pretty loud and called me a “freak” when he saw the snorkel.  Yes, for my own state of mind I am thinking the dirtier form of the word “freak,” because…I am.  We stood really close and he pulled me into him and we take the picture.  Him holding the sign, me the snorkel.  After the picture, I felt him looking at me, so I look up and he is staring.  I asked “what?“ (mind you we are still in photo taking stance) and he proceeds to say to me, “you didn’t put it in your mouth!”  *eyes widen* ……………………………….....WHAT!?!?!?!?! Did Joe Mother Fucking McIntyre just say the sentence “you didn’t put it in your mouth!” to me?  Really?  To the girl holding a FLASH FLOOD sign?  Really Joe?  Sorry, but there was no East coast at that point.  I was done.  I forgot my name, what I was doing and just stared at him.  He saw he was fucking me up and continues, “if you’re gonna be goofy with it, you NEED to put it in your mouth!”  STOP SAYING THAT!!!!  I was too messed up to think of WHAT I am putting in my mouth and people were yelling, “the snorkel…put the snorkel in your mouth.”  Oh yeah.  That thing.  Well…ok!  So we took another picture, with the snorkel in my mouth.  I am cracking up, but he pulls me closer for that one and I KNEW he was loving it.  We took the picture and I decided to show him the other sign I had made.  It said “Let’s Squeegee This!”  Ya know I have to be original and what do you need to do after water spills?  Squeegee of course!  He laughed really loud and said “you’re disgusting!” with a big smile on his face.  I knew it was all in good fun (and Jess reassures me to this day that it was a good thing) and I laughed it off.  He gave another hug and he had to go.  I was surprisingly calm and held conversation.  I was proud of myself.  Finally, I was at ease…well.  Kinda.

Sans snorkel in the mouth. I love it.

...and the epic picture. I can't with him.

He loved it!

"If you're gonna be goofy about it...put it in your mouth!"

Now the Paradise NEEDS to tell every GA venue how to do shit.  It was the most organized GA I have EVER been to.  It was fantastic.  When you got there you receive tickets that go in order.  Once inside, you were let into the club by that number.  It was truly first come, first serve.  Marvelous.  I was impressed.  However, it was still a LOOOOONG wait to get inside and get warm.  We made pals with the girls in front of us and told us we could sit with them when we went in the restaurant early to eat.  We basically bullshitted and eventually the doors were opened.  There was no shoving, just an orderly fashioned line.  Kudos Boston.  Once inside we got warm, ordered food and just hung out.  Until my ears started to hear a familiar tune.  I got up without saying anything and walked towards the noise.  I look through a door and Joe was doing sound check! He was singing “Big Time”!!! More girls started coming over and pushing, but that was enough.  I was ok with not watching.  I was quite messed up from that sneak peek.

We were finally all being called, by number, into the club.  People wouldn’t let Jess and I through and we missed our number.  The guy let us in right away.  I saw the girls we were with beforehand and they said stand with them, because that’s only fair.  We were behind them all day, we should be behind them when we go in.  We had just enough time to check our coats and hit the bathroom.  While walking out of the bathroom is when the line started to move.  Shit.  We booked it and made it.  I literally took 4 big steps from the entrance of the club to 2nd person from the stage.  Dead center.  Know who was in front of me?  Creepy dude.  Offffff course he wass.  Oh well…FUUUUUUCKING MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! I was doing a happy dance when I remembered something.  I left my camera in my coat pocket.  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I turn to Jess in panic and demanded she take pictures.  Scared for her life again she agreed!  We danced for a LONG time to the DJ.  Thank God he was fantastic.  They started setting up the stage and when they set up the mic I kind of lost it a bit.  I looked at the mic, then Jess, then back to the mic.  He was going to be RIGHT THERE! Sweet baby Jesus.  All I thought of was, “I’m Waiting” will be RIGHT THERE!!!  It was then show time!


The beats of “Here We Go Again” started and I became a Mexican jumping bean.  I swear, I believe that song is better live.  Since I didn’t have a camera I was able to take in everything.  Every strut across the stage, every goofy dance movement, every hip thrust.  I had a few thrusted in my direction and died a little every time.  The strands of “I’m Waiting” started and that’s when I lost my mind.  It was worse than my commentary for Donnie’s Backrubs, but it was all in my head.  My voice wouldn’t work! It was some Ursula the sea witch type of shit up in there, my voice was being summoned right to Joe’s groin.  At one point I look at Jess and she mouthed, “Don’t touch me”…she got the whole performance on video!!!! (Thanks Jess you DO love me, sorry Joe…it was too hot to not share.  Thanks for my new porn!)  After that part I was fucked up.  There are no other words.  I literally dropped to the floor and prayed to God.  I am not joking.  My legs gave out, I went down and said a little prayer that went like this…”Dear God, please don’t let me die tonight.  I have one more show.  After Saturday you can kill me, promise.  Just give me strength for this.”  By the time I got back up, Joe was coming back on stage.  Jess makes fun of me, because after the show she said that was a quick change and I explained all he had to do was change his shirt and throw on a hat.  She looked at me like I had 5 heads and said, “well damn you were fucked up.”  I asked why and she explained he changed his pants too.  See? I wasn’t making shit up!  


I tried to prepare myself for “The Difference,” but I failed.  The first chord and I was done.  The tears started to fall, then this man’s voice cracked and I was done.  He tried to cover it up by saying it was planned, but it killed my ovaries.  I was snapped back to life when I heard all the cursing that was going on.  I LOOOOVE when this man curses.  He realized he was cursing a lot too and asked how many times he’s said the word “fuck.”  Who does he consult on this?  His little MacPack!  That’s right he looks right at me and asks something like, “How many times have I said fuck?”  I do a little wave with my hand and say “a bit,” but he heard “five” (how? I don’t know.)  He looked at me while he was talking about all the cursing and I just told him to keep going.  He asked the crowd why we liked a man with a dirty mouth and related it to the Mad Men skit.  YESSS!!!! Rodgahhhhh!!!  Jess had a moment with Joe when she held up our “Rob’s Fan Club” sign up.  He told her she was at the wrong show, but he was just jealous!  The rest of the concert was over in a flash and I was sad.  I had to keep reminding myself I still have Saturday! Only thing keeping me going.


There was a loooong line for coat check, so we just waited and realized we needed water.   Bad.  Rob came back out and we yelled at him to throw us some water.  He obliged and we had some friendly banter back and forth.  Jess was still looking out for me and told me Joe’s water bottle was still in front of the drum.  I got Ethan’s attention and asked how he liked the brownies and went in for the kill, “can I have that water bottle in front of the drum?”  Ethan handed it to me and it was a sweet victory.  Now, I am a big germ freak on some things and sharing water bottles skeeves me out to no end.  However, it was Joe’s water bottle and I was dehydrated.  *gulp, gulp*  We hung around waiting for the crowds to die down, when Rob came to chomp it with his Divas.  We were talking and he started to riffle through my stuff for the “fan club” sign! He wanted to keep “the sign Joe hated on.”  Well alright.  I told him he can have it Saturday and he said that was cool.  Then he asked if we were going to his after party.  It broke our heart to tell him we couldn’t make it.  It was such short notice and we still had to drive back to New Hampshire.  He gave us shit about it, but we really couldn’t make it.  We felt HORRIBLE!  He knows we love and support him though.  Finally they were kicking us out.


We make it to coat check and I can’t find my car key.  I start to panic, but try to not show Jess, because she WILL kill me.  There isn’t an event where something like this happens.  Always losing shit.  I finally tell her and she starts to panic too.  That little shit was buried deep in my pocket.  Ok we are good and can leave now.  She wanted to throw me through a window.  We saw Ethan outside and we NEEDED to go see him.  We walk over and wait till he had a free moment.  Finally we get to him and Jess said “you don’t got love for the Divas no more?” and he looked confused, so I said “Don’t tell me you forgot about the Divas!”  He looks at me, smiles real big and just says “Ohhhhh I remember you!” and gives me a big hug.  I freaking love that man!  He is such a nerd.  So we talked for a few minutes and Jess notices something.  This man is using a towel as a scarf! He wrapped it up real nice, but STILL!  She called him out and he busted out into true Ethan giggles and I cracked the hell up.  The man’s voice alone sends me into laughter, I love him.  We were cracking on him and eventually we just needed to leave.


Day one was a fucking success and we still had NO idea what laid ahead.  Little did I know, Saturday would mess me up for a LOOOONG time.